That sense of belonging

Dr. William Glasser, a famous psychiatrist, asserts that people are “driven by genetics to satisfy five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun.” His math adds up to five, because he counts love and belonging as a single need.

Jean Vanier, founder of L’Arche and son of a former Governor General of Canada, disagrees. He contends that that need to belong runs far “deeper than the need to be loved.”

As children, one of the worst threats a classmate could fling at you ran something along these lines: “Oh yeah, well you’re not invited to my birthday party.” The danger wasn’t that you’d miss out on cake. No, it was that you’d be excluded.

Inclusion was important then and the same holds true for us as adults. Grown ups may not lose sleep about birthday parties, but we go to great lengths to feel accepted by members of social clubs, families, professional associations, sports teams, churches, unions, classes, sororities/fraternities, volunteer groups, guilds, communities, etc. 

Sure, independence is a valued and positive trait, but everyone from the self-assured leader to someone timid can appreciate the warmth of a connection to others, even when it’s for a fleeting moment. A sense of belonging can develop when you’re around those who share a hobby or a common interest.  

During school, I never hung out with the popular kids. I was too studious, square and shy. My style was to have a handful of friends who knew me well. I’d get along with nearly everyone, but overall I stayed in my comfort zone and merely observed the in-crowd at a distance. To this day, I score high on the introvert scale in personality tests, even though my career requires me to overcome my shyness, network regularly and present in front of crowds.

Oddly enough, since moving out to Atlantic Canada, I find I’m drawn out of my shell more often and I’ve experienced kinship like never before. I’m thankful for my colleagues, friends, professionals and others who have done much to make me feel like I belong, formally and informally.

So, I thank those kindhearted souls who have welcomed me into their lives and homes, the birders who invited me into their tight flock, my friends who encouraged me to participate in regular movie nights or join the polar club, my co-workers who challenge me to grow and those who remind me to take a break from the onslaught of work, my family and friends who support my steady efforts to join the ranks of the fit and healthy, friends near and far who reach out for a chat or a walk or a laugh, and to my hubby and soul mate who serves as my bearings no matter where I am… 

Thank you all for going to such lengths to make me feel that sense of belonging. Who cares about school popularity and teenage cliques? I’m indebted for the varied connections each of you made with me, including the birthday (there's a child locked away in each of us) and kitchen party invitations. I confer you with the title of 

      AWESOME!